Bring it in for the real thing
When community joy gets awkward
I love I Love You Man’s cringeworthy moments, filmed from the perfect in-his-face angle, awkward enough to make me hide my own face.
Like when Paul Rudd (as Peter Klaven —an awkward name even) says “I’ll see you there, or I’ll see you on another time.”
And Jason Segel (as Sydney Fife) replies, “That was very confusing. I don’t know if you’re gonna come or not.”
That awkwardness: that’s me in hug-uncertainty.
Is this a handshake or a hug? Handshake or a hug? Handshake/ hug?
Let’s zoom in on that moment with an acquaintance (or friend, family member, colleague) of deciding which one it is.
Some people who project more confidence than I do on a typical anytime say something like “bring it in for the real thing.” If I am involved, there is probably an awkward moment of indecision with a close handshake and the other arm out to the side waiting to be notified of next steps. That arm has only become more confused in these quasi-post-pandemic times.
Hugs, despite the awkwardness
Hugging and human touch are part of our community joy pillar of relationships[1].
That awkwardness: maybe it’s extra for me, but it’s there for many of us. It’s a sign we’re being vulnerable. We’re saying we mean no harm and hoping the other person also won’t hurt us. After a hug, we feel a little better and safer, knowing someone is on our side.
The reduction in touch many — even in multi-person households[2] — experienced during the pandemic was associated with increased anxiety and loneliness.[3] Extreme deprivation of touch can lead to failure to thrive and even, in the most extreme cases, death.[4]
From the research on touch, I would hypothesize reduced touch during the pandemic might have contributed to skyrocketing developmental, mental and behavioral health needs among young children; and the mental health crisis among teens.
Why hugs specifically (vs. other touch)?
Hugs provide some of the best platonic human contact.
Much research discusses the benefits of human touch more broadly than hugs — and some even talks about hugs and handshakes together. There are benefits to all good human touch, but still . . .
Handshakes are thousands of years old, and mentioned in the Iliad and the Odyssey. But a greeting that might have originated to convey “I don’t have a weapon” (in the hand I’m extending) — and “no weapon up my sleeve either” (let’s shake hands vigorously to shake weapons out)[5] doesn’t convey the same love.
Despite predictions to the contrary, and Dr. Fauci’s request[6] when the pandemic was young, the handshake didn’t die. And, despite my critique, if you have the choice of a handshake or no touch, the handshake is clearly better (assuming everyone washes hands correctly, of course). But back to . . .
Hugs
Other research vindicates my hypothesis and indicates hugs could be uniquely powerful. Regular hugging is associated with reduced stress, strengthened immunity, improved heart health, and reduced depression.[7] (I assume this is after allowing for any stress in deciding whether or not to hug.)
Regularly hugging children helps them grow and be smarter, happier, and healthier. It reduces tantrums too.[8]
Dosage?
The pop wisdom you need 12 hugs a day is oft repeated online, always attributed to family therapist Virginia Satir’s quote “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.”
I didn’t find research underlying that quote, but several studies examined duration. The consensus: 20 seconds per hug maximizes the benefit.[9]
So how do I get more hugs?[10]
I’m lucky; my two children still like hugs— at least at home — and my wife does too. I can get my quotient — and do my part to increase community joy and ensure they receive their quotient too.
But I realize as the children age, they could become more hug-phobic.
There are real, good, important reasons not to assume hugs. We have to respect autonomy and recognize some people aren’t huggers. (Maybe you’re one of them). But almost all of us can benefit from some kind of human touch.
Here are some ideas we can try:
Hugs:
· Watch all the hugs in the Dave Matthews Band video Every Day. Try not to smile.
· Even before “bringing it in for the real thing,” many people say “I’m a hugger” and ask permission. It’s a good place to start.
· Embrace the awkwardness. Hold that hug for 20 seconds to maximize the benefit.[11]
· Hug your pet (or someone else’s); hugs might be one reason people with dogs live longer.
Other touch:
· If hugging isn’t your thing, try handshakes — and if you don’t like them either, find what works for you: maybe a pat on the shoulder, a high-five, etc.
· Read this article; Dr. Tiffany Field shares other ways to meet our need for touch including: exercising, massaging our scalps, yoga, meditation, and using a weighted blanket.
· Hug “a pillow while sleeping” and receive many benefits of hugging and better sleep posture.
So go out, give a consensual hug — and build community joy today.
And if you’re wondering whether to go for the handshake with me or the hug, bring it in for the real thing (assuming you practice good hygiene). I’ll leave the decision up to you so I don’t make it more awkward.
This is the 31st post about boosting joy the only way we can: in community. Please share, subscribe (https://medium.com/@justinpasquariello), and join our movement by emailing me or supporting East Boston Social Centers: https://www.ebsocialcenters.org/support. Stay joyful, East Boston.
[1] Learn more in our blog “What Does Community Joy Mean for You?”
[2] See this article. They touched their cellphones much more often; perhaps that trend has contributed to escalating anxiety and depression even beyond the pandemic.
[4] See this article focused on supporting children ages birth to 3.
[5] Handshake history courtesy of this History Channel website.
[6] See this NPR conversation.
[7] See this Intermountain Health link.
[8] See this parenting article.
[9] InnerDrive says that is the research consensus, though some researchers say 6 seconds is enough to generate oxytocin.
[10] Or other human touch.
[11] I tried counting out loud while hugging my wife. She had critiqued my original blog suggestion to count to 20 Mississippi with your hugging partner. I don’t think counting out loud increases the hug benefit —but it might bring the health benefits of laughter.
Two of Vanessa’s oldest and closest friends, Sandy and Christine, join me in hugging her at her surprise birthday “Vanestival” a few years ago in Eastie.
